


Anguished Separation

by celticheart72



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Anger, Blood and Injury, Cheating, Complete, F/M, Gun Violence, Near Death, Reconciliation, Violence, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 17:57:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18722080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celticheart72/pseuds/celticheart72
Summary: Merle cheats on you prompting you to leave the group. Months later he and Daryl find you near death and bring you back to Alexandria with them.I do not own any of TWD only my own original characters and ideas.





	Anguished Separation

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: violence, injury, mention of Merle cheating, Merle being an asshole, major angst

Merle walked out of the house he was sharing with Daryl, Carol, and a few of the others. When he looked up at the gates of the Alexandria community and around at the fancy houses, he couldn’t help but smile and think you would have been happy there. Shaking his head, he chuffed as he walked inside the walls that kept everyone and everything else out. He didn’t trust it. Walls, fences, and gates made people complacent, made them feel too safe, and he didn’t want a repeat of what happened at the prison, or for that matter, Woodbury or Grady Memorial. Just because they’d gotten through the Governor, Dawn, and countless others didn’t mean there wasn’t someone worse out there waiting to take their place in this new version of your fucked-up world. Negan had certainly proven to be problematic, and there’d be more to replace him when he was gone.

That thought just brought up memories of you leaving the group, which just pissed him off all over again. He’d been so stupid, but it had taken you leaving for him to realize that. No one had even noticed you slipped away while everyone was left in shock over Beth’s murder. Maggie had been inconsolable. Daryl was to a lesser extent, and by the time everyone had finally regrouped and calmed down a little bit, you were gone. Merle had searched for you and Daryl helped him, but they had both taught you everything you knew about surviving in the woods and on your own. At the time, he cursed himself for it, but now he was glad you had the means and skills to survive on your own; without him. That hurt his heart more than he ever expected it to, but he didn’t blame you though. He knew he’d hurt you, and he had no one to blame but himself for that.

As he walked, he came to a section of the wall that looked like it had been repaired within the last few months. Reaching out his hand to test the brick and the bars, he found it was sturdy and would hold. His eyes caught sight of something on the ground flashing silver in the sun. Crouching down on one knee, he leaned forward to pick it up and fell back on his ass when he realized what he had in his hand. It was the bracelet he’d given you, just something he found on one of his runs that he thought you’d like. Little silver dolphins linked together with a small sapphire in between each dolphin. One of the links was broken like it had gotten caught on something, but the fact that it was here told him you were there at some point, and still alive. Maybe he still had a chance to make things right with you.

Turning back the way he’d come, he hurried to Deanna’s house where the leaders of Alexandria were meeting. When he walked in, Daryl looked at him in surprise. Despite having been invited to the meetings, he never went. He’d become an integral part of the group, but he still found himself on the outside more often than not.

Deanna was talking about Negan’s demands for tribute and Merle cleared his throat. “Merle? I see you’ve decided to join us?”

“Nah. I gotta question.” He held up the bracelet and saw Daryl and Carol’s eyes go wide. “The woman this here bracelet belonged to. Where is she?”

The leader of Alexandria reached out her hand for it, and he reluctantly handed it over. She studied it for a minute before recognition seemed to come to her, and she lifted her eyes to Merle’s. Her expression was sad and Merle’s heart started to pound even harder. “I remember this bracelet. She was here.”

Merle’s eyes narrowed and he looked at the shamed expressions on the men of Alexandria who stood in the room. “What. Happened?”

“She defied Negan and he demanded she be turned over for punishment.”

Rick looked shocked by that. “And you just gave her to him?”

“We had no choice.” Spencer offered from the other side of the room. “If we hadn’t turned her over, he would have come back here and pulled our walls down.”

“So then ya do know yer walls don’t make this place impenetrable?” Merle glared at the weasley man.

“Of course, we do Merle. It wasn’t a choice I liked having to make, but we didn’t have anyone here capable of defending us at the time.” Deanna tried placating him, but it wasn’t working, and Merle saw Daryl approaching him out of the corner of his eye.

He scrubbed his hand over his face and remembered the promise he’d made after you left the group. No more flying off the handle and going his own way. Just in case you came back. If that happened, he was going to do whatever it took to get you back. To do that, first, he needed a safe place for you to live where he wouldn’t have to worry every minute that something might take you away. “Do ya know what they did with her?”

“She tried to run and escape through the break we had in the wall. Negan’s men caught her before she could and took her with them. That’s all we know.” Spencer managed to look remorseful as he spoke, but his words just made Merle angrier.

Daryl laid a hand on Merle’s shoulder and he shrugged it off. “Ain’t none o’ ya bothered ta ask if she was okay?”

Deanna just shook her head.

“I’m goin’ when ya pay this tribute shit next time.” Merle didn’t direct this at Deanna but rather to Rick, who just nodded.

 

_It had to be a dream. But it was your worst nightmare coming true. You walked into the room in the Greene’s house that you were sharing with Merle to find him balls deep in some woman you barely recognized. A survivor from Woodbury, who had been traveling with you since you had to abandon the prison._

_“What the fuck, Merle!!!”_

_He actually had the audacity to finish before the two of them separated. She fled the room, and he at least had the decency to put himself back together before turning your way with his hand rubbing the back of his neck._

_“I hope she was worth it, Merle,” you spat at the man you had loved since the world went crazy. His deep blue eyes and honeyed tongue weren’t going to get him out of this._

_“Now listen here, sugar. You don’t own me…” The lines around his eyes were pinched as he glared at you while clenching and unclenching his fist. You weren’t afraid of him. Merle Dixon was a lot of things; an asshole, a liar, a cheater, drug addict, but he wasn’t a sadist. He didn’t get off on hurting women._

_Getting right up into his face, you stuck a finger in his chest. “No, I don’t. But I loved you despite all your character flaws. I loved and accepted you. If you didn’t want me anymore, you could have had the common decency to man up and just say so. Just because the world went to hell doesn’t mean you can treat me like I have no meaning.“_

_He was shaking his head, and when he spoke, it came out an angry snarl. “You don’t. Why don’t you get that?”_

_Slashing your hand through the air, you shook your head at him and willed the tears in your eyes away. “I’m done, Merle Dixon. You had your chance and I thought you wanted it. Just stay away from me.”_

You woke up in a cold sweat, the memory of Merle’s blue eyes and stunned expression fresh in your mind like a movie. Looking around your tiny treehouse home, you found nothing out of place, and it was still dark outside. It was the overwhelming feeling of loss and loneliness that must have startled you awake. While you’d never wanted to admit it out loud, the truth was you missed Merle. In his own way, he tried to make things up to you, but you hadn’t given him a chance, and if you were being honest with yourself, you thought his cheating was self-sabotage. He’d let the words ‘I love you’ slip in the early morning before you found him with the Woodbury woman, and you believed he was scared of that feeling.

None of that mattered now. You were alone and surviving, but it was getting harder and harder to stay safe. Walkers weren’t what scared you anymore. It was the living. After your ordeal with Negan and the Saviors, you’d run into some like him and some worse. Merle and Daryl had taught you well, and you were able to survive them. But only just.

The truth was, Negan almost killed you. After taking you from Alexandria, rather than using Lucille on you, he had set you to running and shot you in the head. Or so he thought. Fortunately, you had played dead convincingly, and he and his Saviors left you there in the woods bleeding and half dead. It had been by sheer luck alone that you found this treehouse, and by the grace of whatever Gods were still around, it seemed to be a hunter’s hidey hole. There was a small stock of food, ammo, and medical supplies. You’d had to drag your ass up into the tree. Nearly fell out of it, but you did it. It had been your home for the last six months.

You missed Merle. Hugging the ragged pillow you had scavenged, you cried into it and tried to remember what he smelled like.

 

Merle waited beside the truck full of supplies with Rick and Daryl waiting on Negan and his Saviors to come for it. He’d promised everyone he wouldn’t cause any trouble. All he wanted to do was ask Negan what happened to you. That was all. If you were in Sanctuary, he might ask if he could see you.

When the Savior convoy came into sight, Merle felt himself growing more and more anxious. It had been a year since he’d seen you, and all he wanted to do was tell you he was a stupid fucking man and he was sorry. He didn’t even want to consider that it might not be possible, but Rick and Daryl kept telling him that the likelihood of him finding you after a year of separation from the group wasn’t likely. Daryl didn’t want him getting his hopes up. Rick didn’t want him going into a rage and possibly making things worse with Negan or in Alexandria. If all he could do was find out you were safe, it would be enough for now.

Negan got out of the lead truck with Lucille over his shoulder and a smile on his face. “Well, fuckity fuck. I see you decided to keep the peace.”

“We don’t want any trouble,” Rick assured as Negan’s men went to look at the supplies in the truck.

“It’s all here boss,” the tall, dark haired one said.

“I gotta question.” Merle’s voice was steady and firm.

“You do? Well ask, then! Maybe I’ll answer, maybe I won’t. We’ll just see now won’t we?”

“There’s a woman lived in Alexandria ya took ta punish for not doin’ what ya told ‘em ta do. What happened ta her?”

A smile spread over Negan’s face. He knew exactly who Merle was referring to. “I shot her in the head. Gave her a chance to run but she wasn’t fast enough.”

Merle didn’t say a word. He just stood there and nodded at the man who he wanted to rip to shreds with his bare hands. His chest constricted painfully as he stood there, but he kept a stoic expression and stance, like he didn’t care. When he did. So much.

Rick gave Merle a wary look and carried on some kind of discussion that Merle didn’t even hear. Daryl moved to stand between Merle and the other two men and kept an eye on him. Merle just stood there. Blank and numb. His hand closed over your bracelet in his pocket, his thumb tracing the dolphins. When Negan and his men finally drove off and Rick walked back over to their truck, his eyes focused on Merle.

“I’m sorry, Merle. I know how you feel.”

“Nah, ya don’t.” Merle just turned away and got into the truck. His head turned to look out the window while his eyes focused on nothing.

He never knew what true heartbreak felt like until that moment. Merle was numb but his heart hurt at the same time. His thoughts ran through every single memory he had of you while his finger traced the bracelet in his pocket. He had fixed it after he found it; repaired the link so he could give it back to you because he was determined that he’d find you; determined he was going to make things right with you. That wouldn’t happen now and Merle didn’t even know where to look for your body so they could bring you back and bury you. At least Negan had been decent and shot you in the head so you wouldn’t turn. The truck rumbled to life under him and before he even registered the trees moving outside the window, Rick was pulling through the gates of Alexandria.

You needed to find some sunglasses and acetaminophen. The headaches from the head wound you’d suffered at Negan’s hands were getting worse during the daylight. Doing anything on the ground at night when you were alone and female was foolhardy at best. You had a nasty scar from that wound. The flesh healed into a ropey tight scar where your hair no longer grew, and the bullet had definitely put a permanent dent into your skull along the path it travelled. You’d turned your head at the right time. If you hadn’t, the bullet would have buried itself into your brain rather than denting your head and searing off some flesh.

Either way, it was the aftermath of the concussion you’d suffered that you had to deal with now. Not so easy after the dead started walking and civilization fell. You hadd walked the few miles to the nearest once inhabited area where a small strip mall sat. You’d remembered seeing a pharmacy and a general store there. Even if all of the drugs were gone, if you could find sunglasses, that would address the main issue you had, which was the light sensitivity. Not wanting to be caught out in the open after dark, you started walking as soon as the sun rose and by the time you made it to the little strip, your head was hurting so badly you felt like it was going to split open. You’d encountered a few walkers on your journey and took them out quickly with a knife to the forehead.

There didn’t appear to be any of the living anywhere around, so you made your way first into the pharmacy, which was most likely to have the things you needed. You found a pair of dark sunglasses and felt your eyes relax once you put them on, but the effects of the headache and your long walk were taking a toll on your body. You were nauseated and lightheaded and in desperate need of water and food. Unfortunately, no painkillers were to be found but there were still a few bottles of water and some protein bars. You opened one and ate it slowly and took a few sips of water as you gathered anything useful into your knapsack.

It was the prolonged pain, lack of sleep, water, food, and general exhaustion that made you miss the signs the living were near when you walked out of the pharmacy. Your head was down and you walked right by a truck that hadn’t been there before. The woods and your trail home were across the street, and that was where you were focused. When your name was called in surprise and anguish, you barely registered the spoken words. You hadn’t heard human speech or that voice in so long, you knew you had to be hallucinating.

You kept walking.

That voice called your name again.

In confusion, you turned and knew that you were indeed hallucinating when Merle approached you slowly from the passenger side of the truck you’d just passed by. The look on his face was unreadable. Daryl was getting out of the driver’s side and his expression was stunned. This was some kind of weird fever dream. Only you didn’t have a fever.

Merle called your name again, and when he reached you, his hand reached out to brush over your cheek. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, and you fell forward into Merle’s arms. If this was a dream, it felt awfully real.

 

Merle cradled you in his arms while Daryl drove back to Alexandria, the supply run they were supposed to be on forgotten in favor of getting you someplace safe. You were skinnier than he’d ever seen you, your skin sallow and your eyes sunken in. As his hand ran through your hair, he found a ropey scar on the side of your head, covered over by your hair, and when he felt along it, he could feel a dent in your skull. He closed his eyes and could feel them starting to water.

“Y’alright Merle?” Daryl’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

It had been a month since Negan told Merle that he’d killed you and Merle had fallen into routine; get up, eat, work, sleep. Without the hope of being able to find you again ,life hadn’t felt worth living. He did it because he knew his brother needed him to, and while he would never be well loved, the people of their group needed him, too. It had taken him until the world ended to find someone he loved that loved him back despite his flaws, and he’d been too scared to learn how to be in a relationship. So he did what he knew would fuck it up and regretted it every day since. When Merle opened his eyes and met his brothers concerned stare he felt moisture running down his face and Daryl looked back to the road. “I don’t know yet.”

“She looks rough, but she’s alive, Merle. That’s somethin’,” Daryl’s gruff voice offered.

“Yeah.”

When they got back to Alexandria with you, Merle carried you to the clinic, and the entire town was buzzing with the news. Denise came in and declared you dehydrated and undernourished. When she examined the scar on your head and Merle told her what Negan had told them, she said she thought you probably had post-concussive syndrome; especially when Merle handed her the dark sunglasses you’d been wearing when he and Daryl found you. She gave you a pain killer through your IV and told Merle to call her when you woke up if you needed anything.

Merle sat by your stretcher in the darkened clinic room and stared at you. He’d already pinched himself three times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming and had even asked Daryl to pinch him, which his little brother did with glee. All of his life, he had lived in some state of anger or annoyance. There were a few happy moments before the world died but they were few and far between. Afterwards, though? The only happiness he had was when he was with you. Now that he had you in front of him, alive and recuperating, he wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

His chest was tight and his stomach was in knots while his heart raced. Fear and anxiety were the only things he could think this might be. After you left the group at Grady, he had realized slowly that he’d been in love with you all along, but putting the words to the feeling out loud had scared him. Merle simply had never had anything good in his life that lasted. You had loved him even when he was surly or being an ass. His nasty mouth never phased you, and you responded to his touch like you were made for him.

Merle was ready to admit he had a lot to make up for, and if you let him he’d spend the rest of his life doing just that.

When your eyes finally fluttered open, they narrowed on his, and you reached over and pinched your upper arm. “Ouch God DAMMIT!!”

He smiled and shook his head. “I been pinchin’ myself since we found ya. Even had Daryl pinch me jus’ ta make sure I wasn’t dreamin’.”

Your lips quivered and your eyes started to blink. “Are we?” You paused to take a deep breath that actually sounded like a sob to Merle’s ears, and all he wanted to do was hold you, but he wasn’t sure if that was what you wanted. “Dreaming, that is?”

“Nope.” His heart pounded in his chest, and he could hear his blood whooshing in his ears while you stared at him. The tears you had been trying so hard to blink back were rolling down your cheeks now, and he wanted to kiss them away, but he didn’t; not yet anyway.  

“The hardest thing to leave behind when I left Grady was you,” you choked out in a strangled whisper. “You hurt me, Merle Dixon. Why are you here now?”

Merle’s blue eyes held your own, and he made sure to hold your eyes while he spoke. “Because I love ya. I know I made a mistake ‘cause I was scared o’ feelin’ somethin’ real. Scared o’ what that meant. I realized the mistake I made soon as ya walked away from me back at the Greene’s farm. But so long as ya were still with the group, I could show ya I was makin’ an effort ta be better. Once ya left? It was like losin’ my other hand.”

You huffed and turned your face away from him.

“Sugar, lookit me, please.”

You did after lifting a hand to wipe at your face.   

“I love ya. I want ya back. I want a chance ta make it right with ya if you’ll let me.” His heart was racing so fast with those words, he thought it might actually leap out of his chest. Or he might pass out. Either one was highly possible.

“Why?”

He knew this was going to be difficult. After all, he’d betrayed your trust and hurt you in the worst possible way. “Because, Sugar; I’mma better man with you by my side, and all I wanna do fer the rest o’ my life is make ya happy. I promise I will spend my life makin’ things right.”

“I missed you. My heart hurt so much, I thought I was going to die.” Lifting your hands to your face you covered your eyes for a minute, and he actually thought you were shutting him out until he saw your body shaking. You were crying.

“Sugar, can I hold ya?”

When you reached your arms out to him, and he pulled you into his chest, holding you for the first time in over a year, he felt like the world breathed a sigh of relief. You sobbed into his shoulder, soaking his shirt, but he didn’t care. His heart was still racing, but it was for a different reason now.

It took a few minutes, but finally between hiccups and sobs, you pressed your forehead into the side of his neck. Your voice was a choked whisper again. “You hurt me, Merle Dixon. You have to earn my trust back. I’m not just giving it to you. Things aren’t going right back to where they were before you hurt me.”

“I know.”

“Don’t hurt me again.”

He shook his head and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I promise Sugar. I won’t.” Not this time, not ever again, he thought. And he kept that promise.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like my work kudos are appreciated. If you love it comments are wonderful. If you have constructive criticism or questions let's talk. If you leave blatantly rude or negative comments, know that no hate is allowed here and will be deleted. And if you read my work and are too shy to interact right now, know that's okay too.


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